Life, for me, was not easy. Especially when I was young. I had known that my family was broken and the school did not help. None of my classmates except for maybe one or two had a stepdad or mom. So nobody could identify with my family life. Most of them didn’t want to know me or who I was, regardless of my family situation. Because I didn’t live in town.
I lived in the country with my grandparents. I had to ride a school bus to get to school. I know, all of these reasons don’t sound like a real reason to look down on someone but I could feel it. Even though I don’t remember anyone saying anything to me, it was the tone of their voices or the way they looked at my clothes or my shoes. Did all of this affect me?
YES!
Not just this but also the custody and child support hearings which my parents were going through at the time added to the anxiety and the feeling of being less than what others expected. I was never told this, of course, but looking back on it from the point of being fifty years older I can recognize the feelings which were there. Even if I didn’t know what they were at the time. I mean, how can you know about these things when you are six or seven years old?
Now I can look back at the self-destructive behavior which I began even before I was a teenager and I can see that this was caused by my situation and not by myself.
Do I blame my outcome on my classmates? NO! In many ways, being in school with them very likely helped because most of them came from Christian homes. I did as well, but I was angry. Angry at God and my own Dad and my mother…truly I was angry at everything around me in some form or another. As I got older, I turned that anger inward and began smoking and drinking. I had a few wrecks before I graduated from high school because I was so drunk at the time I can barely remember them. Even on my senior trip, I had gotten so drunk the night before until I have no idea how I made it home. The next morning I still had enough alcohol in my system that even drinking coffee before going to school made me drunk again.
I would say that I was on a self-destructive path, which is why I am writing this because I never believed I would live long enough to be in my late fifties. I pray that someone reading this who may be in a similar situation might turn away from their self-hate and seek the only One Who can help you.
Have I had other problems with alcohol? Yes, but not quite to the extent that I did during high school. I have gone out and drank alcohol but I have not gotten drunk enough to not remember how I got somewhere or with whom I was at the time. I also never drank beer to the point of being or getting drunk. When I drank, I drank whiskey or bourbon. I intended to get drunk.
Why do I write this now? Because things have changed. I am no longer angry and I am not trying to kill myself with whiskey. I am writing this to show that even though I am a pastor now, I wasn’t always someone that could get up and preach or tell others that living for Jesus and with Him in your heart is the way to live. Yes, I do buy whiskey occasionally but it isn’t for the reasons which I did over forty years ago.
If I buy any today it is for relaxing before bed or for making some home-made cold medicine, nothing more. I don’t get drunk and I don’t drink unless I am NOT driving. I am not claiming to be perfect or anything other than a recovered drunk. For a while, I had worried that I was an alcoholic but I think that most of my problems with alcohol were my own and not a disease.
God has been good to me these past ten years or so. His blessings and His grace have carried me through some hard times with finances and sickness but I know that He is in control and at some point soon, He will come for His church and hopefully take me home with Him. I urge you to seek Him out and give your heart to Him too because there will soon be a time which will test the whole world and it will happen after the church, the body of believers, are taken to Heaven. Make sure that you are part of that number who have gone with Him.
The Living Message of Christ 
Good Morning Tracey,
Thank you for being brave and open in sharing your testimony to walking in the light of Jesus! We are all broken people, sharing each others’ account of our sins, and the work of Christ in this age. I thank God for helping you overcome your alcohol addiction and self-hatred. This is one of many examples of the sad tragedy of the absence of love and compassion during childhood, which furthers exemplifies Satan’s hatred towards God’s precious creatures. 😦 Tracey, you are loved, and I accept you as an instrument of God’s holy kingdom. Though you may be imperfect, you are, and will always remain in the great family of God even after the end of this age. You are worth so much more than anything this world, let alone Satan could ever offer in this life. Even if people come and spew rash judgements against you for your situation, God is watching you and protecting you, providing you with clean air to breathe to get you through your day. Scripture commands us to encourage one another, and guide each other in love and gentleness. I would be more than happy to be your right hand during these trying times. If there is an email address I could possibly reach out to you through, please do not hesitate to reply to this post. I will be more than willing to offer words of encouragement and love to you during your brightest and your darkest moments.
May you also be inspired by this testimony of an atheist turning to Jesus after encountering Satan. Freedom and hope is given to those who are saved through Jesus and the power of the Gospel.
Finally, may you be inipired by this line from a piece called “Let my People Go”. It states, “It was January 20, and a shout came from above, / “O Satan! Ye that followeth his laws! Let my people go! It is time that this nation become the light of the world. For a change will soon come, and a new season is nigh!”
This line signifies a new beginning for America after four years of political and spiritual calamity. The reference in the line refers to a Biblical passage where Moses commands Pharaoh to let the enslaved people escape. In terms of your situation, I believe God is calling you to be free and live out a life that is joyful, meaningful, and grounded in love and truth. Amen!
He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)
Thank you again for being an encouraging voice during the time that we live in. I have been a pastor for the past few years but COVID shut down my church, so this is my only pulpit now.
My email is: gteldridge@gmail.com